Is this the way ?

Someone who does as they wish, unconstrained to external influences” • strong-minded, “Having a vigorous, independent will and views” • self-assertive, “determined to advance one's own personality or views” • iconoclast, “One who attacks cherished beliefs

One who attacks cherished beliefs is crazy.

Okay I don’t think I’m that person. I aspire to be. I just have always been very collective. Always seeking approval, to an extent. I don’t listen to what others do nor can if I wanted. I have always been one to do what I want. I always seek approval though. I want people to agree with me. I want people to see my vision on things.

Although, I am not one force things on people. We learned our lesson. I however, one to get hurt.

I was just build with a lot of sentiment. I will literally cry because someone else experience something and I just sympathies with everything. I suppose I can be seen as naive. I always choose to go along with things knowing the odds show it will end badly. I don’t learn until I get hurt.

I broke up with my last boyfriend in 2020, officially stopped talking to him February 2021. So, it has been a cool minute. Well, since then I have seen and met people, it’s not like I was going to keep myself from all the dopamine out in the world.I have met people and I have tried to feel something that actually feels meaningful.

This has been a task on it’s own because I’m used to people who are around me making me feel like I can always be more or do more. So yes I have become a person who even in the good times find a way to be unfulfilled.

Although, my days of trying to end my life are behind me, it is a constant talk to myself that I will eventually find my purpose.

You know, if you told me my purpose was to just live a happy life I could be content with that. I just don’t understand this constant need to be seen. I seek validation because I have always felt unseen. I want to be seen.

Being seen is a pain on its own. I don’t think people’s oppinons matter to my actions. They just affect the way I feel about my actions. It doesn’t change my choices. I just think its time I pull away from the things I think im seeking.

What is it I need ?

I think it will be a very lonely road. It is a road that must be taken. I have wasted too much of my time and energy trying to be seen and accepted by the wrong people. I need to be content without the chaos.

This is the way.