thechaosinmymindisnotincontroliam

It is so amazing how many changes can occur in such little time frame. Not only materialistically or any type of physical change but more along the side of how you can change the way you view certain conflicts, or even characteristics changes in a person.

That gets tricky. Its hard pushing yourself to keep learning and improving ; when there is so much change that comes with it. I suppose I have always had this type of fear or un certainty about change. Change is a concept that IS difficult for a majority of people.

The feeling I want to talk about isn’t the fear part though. It’s the after part. The part where your perspective has already changed. The embarrassing part. Where you’ve realize that no matter what happens now there is no going back.

I have been going through a mental journey for… about a year and a half now. I semi address it because I feel like it has been a journey that I am not the most proud of. I learned that things happen for a reason. Those experiences that make me feel so embarrassed about being who I am. For the longest I genuinely thought that it was who I was. Making a fool of myself for the wrong people. Yes, my way of expressing my intentions where expressed in all the wrong ways, but at the time I felt unheard and just labeled. In way like I was trying to mold myself to the standards of other, everyone, all at once. It was over whelming following non existing expectations. Focusing on the wrong things.

I didn’t make the choice to focus on only me.

Everyone around me chose to be away from me.

With valid reasons.

However,

I do make the choice every morning to keep improving. To not let myself fall into a hole where all I do is doubt myself. My life is on it’s right path. The temporary chaos exterior parties bring can no longer stop me. That bolder I could never knock down is still there. I just go around it now.