it's just a tuesday

Hi, I just wanna try something like maybe. If I write my entry this way it’ll help me.

So, I’m having lunch right now and I feel like I’ve been going through a lot. I just don’t have the words to like put it down on and maybe I just don’t have like I don’t know the focus right now to like do that but you know like last month -to like two months ago; i didn’t have like the energy or focus to like make it work with my sister at her place, when am I ever really gonna have the focus? It’s just hard because I just feel like everyone who is supposed to be helping me… okay like my sister, my mom, my old roommate- like they want to do things their way. Even when people say they don’t wanna do things their way. I think that’s what I miss the most about my own place. Is that like I had the control of going through certain experiences on my own -my own way, without outside parties, and like I had just a place to be and when you live with people it’s kind of hard because whether you like it or not, you’re going to interact with these people and their energy will affect you. That’s what I’m realizing. Is that maybe, I never really go better, maybe I’m just so used to not dealing with other peoples energies that it’s been making it hard for me, so I go out and like I tried to distract myself, but at the end of the day, like working on myself, has never been harder because I’m not actually alone so I just have to put up with these next two month until I’m fully moved out on my own. At least, ideally that’s the goal. It’s also hard because like I miss my friend. What we didn’t nickname this friend but this friend is like okay - not important at the moment; I just think that, what this friend did for me or provided for me -for a time period I blocked out from like any other connections with people because I thought that it came from this one friend and I’m not talking about relationship like that maybe it sounds like I’m talking about a relationship typed things but I’m not like I mean, just this friendship! It provided some sort of support, some kind of like vent outlet for me, that I’m sure he or they get from other solid people in their life and maybe I don’t. It’s me like maybe. it’s because I know people try to help me but if they don’t help the right way then they’re not really helping. They’re just making things worse for me, but that’s kind of back firing because then I have sporadic moments.

Like I’m literally sitting in a park and I can’t really think about it till I can’t process things properly right now and even though people want to claim that I’ve never really been able to processing properly. There was a time. Where I would process and handle things on my own the way that I should, and maybe, not in the most responsible ways, but enough where people didn’t think that they were like putting up with me, and I think I just crave my independence back my actual independence, but the point is to keep going i guess.