Empire Ants

You know, I am aware how needy I could be. Most of my childhood was me wanting too much from my sister or my parents. Not that I would necessarily want too much, just nothing I had to say was important. Coming from a family that goes through all the worst type of bs, and being one of the ones that wouldn’t go through anything as severe as the rest of my family, it always came off as me bugging everyone with my stupid, irrelevant problems. I just learned to detach myself from my immediate family.

I know they never meant me any harm, no one does. Now, that I am older and have to realize things about myself ( I say have to because I don’t think I ever truly gave myself an opportunity to grow into the person I wanted to be) and find a way to not intoxicate myself with negative habits, I see that the foundation of my being was being formed by family. I really despise that because I don’t want to link it to my family but it is.

I see it in things I give importance to. People I chose to give importance to that don’t necessarily reciprocate the same energy. I just feel like I can’t make any type of right decision. Anything that I choose to focus on or give time to or think was worth an effort, something or someone made it feel like it was the wrong move. Sometimes, things are the wrong choice and I admit that I probably shouldn’t have put my importance there because it is very clear that I made a choice and it just didn’t work out. I know it’s okay to be wrong sometimes. It’s the things you don’t see coming. The issues that never crossed your mind.

Even knowing this, I feel like I’m making the same mistakes and not changing because different things happen. Perhaps I just have to continue to be patient and just let its corse run. However, I am not a patient person.