scrambled mind

I always hear people use phrases like “ I lost myself for some time” or “ they just have to find themselves”, and to be frank I thought I knew what they meant. I didn’t. At the same time I wasn’t aware that I had not become anyone.

These last two weeks have really made an impact on my life. LOL okay that sounds super extreme but it’s the truth there is no simpler way to say it. I just semi stepped outside of my body and looked at who I am, currently. I can describe how I view myself and try to explain why I don’t see what other people keep insisting they see in me, but I don’t think I want others to hear or know that I have these thoughts because what if I’m right?

I walk through life acting like I am so sure of what I aspire to be, like I’m sure of my person. I hate my person because people around me dislike my person. I used different terms for a reason. I know being perfect is impossible. You cannot please everyone. That isn’t what I want. I don’t want to just satisfy people so they can like me.

I want my name to leave a print. I want my name to leave no negative feeling to anyone. As ridiculous as it sounds. I have behaved so nasty these last two/ three years of my life. So many things I would have done differently. But, if I sit down and think about those things … nothing seemed like the answer, except the way this went.

It has made me feel useless.

I want to be more