the endless cycle

Paramore has this song called fake happy. Someone pointed out to me, that there is no way you can feel fake happy. You can fake to be happy but you can’t fake feel it. Thats just faking happiness. Otherwise it’s temporary happy. But even if it is for a small amount of time at least it’s real.

I find myself dreading life more than I am enjoying it. Strange, since I tend to do things that only please me. The thing about that is that, when I do the things that make me happy or that are suppose to make me happy… it feels no where near satisfaction.

Perhaps, my deal is that I am trying to replace the bad memories with new happy ones. The truth is that it isn’t that simple to get rid of bad memories. The thing about the bad memories is the feeling that I felt in those moments make themselves present. All that comes to mind is negative thoughts. Flashbacks of things that caused me to feel hurt and alone.

I contemplate leaving my city. I think about starting new some place but that would just put some miles between me and my problems that I cannot seem to face. I do not wish to run.

nostalgia is cool. but it won’t help me now.