another day in the blue

I’ve realized that i really desire to have … friends. LMAO okay how annoying is that!? But okay, I’ve tried to analyze this myself. I just miss having someone who has my back, someone I know I can count on no matter what. I realize that is very dependent of me. I shouldn’t have the need to analyze every situation or encounter i have in my life with someone else.

It’s what i’m used to. I’m just a stupid as sufrida who finds an issue with everything that happens. So, who cares if growing up I had to suppress all my emotions that weren’t happy. So what if nothing was important enough for my parents. Even though I try not to hold them accountable for that, because ever since me and Gelsey were little we were taught that we were brought here to have a better life than our parents. I always admired them for everything. I aspired to be like my mom. I resented Gelsey for the longest because I felt she was the one who was going to hear me out… but she never did. (Which I understand now)

Regardless of whatever I feel about, it’s nothing EXTREME. I always knew how to block it out so it didn’t really affect me. I would look for my reassurance at school…with my friends. In elementary I was the most funky looking girl on the yard. So, the other girls wouldn’t really talk to me. Or the boys at that. The ones who would hang out with me where the people who would have trouble with their own friends. I was the one people would hang out with because no one hung out with me so when no one wanted to hang with them they would go hang with the loser. But hey i wasn’t complaining at the time LOL.

In middle school I sort of dropped the whole tomboy thing because valley kids are the judgiest mother fuckers I have ever come across. Even the bitches that came from my hood. Fakes people too. Although, I like to think that it was just kids being kids and that if I came across them now they would be different people. Which the ones I have encountered are. Anyways, it was basically the same story for those three years. Only difference is things were so crap at home. I would dread going home. WOW I guess thats where my need to constantly go out started. Back then it was easy, my mom wasn’t aware of any of my issues because she was so focused on Gelsey and keeping Gresia oblivious to everything. Again, nothing too extreme.

High school came and yeah I realized I was a fucking loser. So, I would try to act like nothing mattered and that worked. People like the IDAF attitude. It wasn’t until sophomore year that I found Rebeca, Gean, Polo, and Kris. They were always around. No matter how much I would act like a bitch to them, they just always understood, they were there. We would have falling outs but eventually it got to the point where I just knew we needed breaks from each other. I wasn’t scare to be away from them because I knew I could count on them.

Until I couldn’t.

The years that followed after that were difficult because I didn’t realize how I was still thinking things were going to work out because they always did. Now, it feels as if i try to replace those bonds that I know people are capable of. Just never with me. I’ve changed the way I carry myself or the things I do more than once. To change the view people have of me, or just to get acceptance from whoever it is at the time.

NOW I’m getting a pretty good understanding of what is actually important to me. Yeah I still crave to have bonds. But, I don’t think people are my priority I like have to be in a way selfish. Actually selfish.

I SHOULD JUST SAY FUCK IT AND BE HAPPY INSTEAD RIGHT.

whatever keeps my head calm and my anxiety level down it was I shall do.